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fucking so frustrated
why am i not good at this? i mean ive done tkd all my life, but im so bad at answering the phone and doing one on one interviews… i dont know what it is. its really hitting my self confidence… i want to be good now. my hyung is really reassuring by telling me that its just practice, but being straight with me at the same time. i appreciate it a lot. but i want to be good at it now. now. i know its practice too, but i cant help but be frustrated… annoyed… and feel incompetent. well lets get through the day. still have so much work to do
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FUUUUUUCK I WANT TO SCREAM AND FIGHT AND CLAW MY WAY TO STAY. I DONT FUCKING WANT TO GO BACK!!! GODDAMMIT FUCK MY LIFE!!!!
Ok now that thats out of the way…. Gotta keep it together. Gotta be strong… Gotta do this for my family. And i will continue to grow myself.. Just keep fighting gook, you got this.
I believe in myself.
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i subconsciously look for you on the internet. when im on fb and i see your sister or yafine or when im on tumblr i look through notes of mutual friends’ posts. i just caught myself doing this when i somehow found myself on your tumblr. so. its time to unfriend all those people who i am acquainted with through you, your family, and anyone who really reminds me of you. hopefully this is enough. if not, well maybe then i will have to take some more extreme measures. luckily i no longer get vulnerable or hurt or spiral when i think about you, but the fact that you still cross my mind from time to time bothers me. i dont want to do it anymore. i am going to do everything in my power to minimize it. sad that i have to cut out your family, but i should. i will miss them, but i no longer have any right to keep in contact with them. as much as i wish things turned out differently, i am glad that things happened the way they did. now to finally work towards finishing this chapter, closing the book, and being at peace with the ending. its like the end of harry potter :) i dreaded it, but after sitting there and thinking about the ending, i could happily cherish it and keep it in my memories, and then look forward to the next book on my list knowing that it may never be harry potter, but it will definitely bring me a whole different set of adventures to look forward to. bye.
