February 2012
3 posts
i feel like a mess
goddammit… another round of cleansing now? sucks… i need to unfollow these MS people… and the hardest of all… i need to unfollow bao… fuck… fucking goddammit…
My back… Omg it hurts so much i might break down and cry…. Fucking back goddammit!!!!!! I feel so fucking vulnerable…. I feel so weak…. Fuck..
January 2012
5 posts
stressed and overwhelmed
i really wish i had someone that i could lean on right now.
fucking so frustrated
why am i not good at this? i mean ive done tkd all my life, but im so bad at answering the phone and doing one on one interviews… i dont know what it is. its really hitting my self confidence… i want to be good now. my hyung is really reassuring by telling me that its just practice, but being straight with me at the same time. i appreciate it a lot. but i want to be good at it now....
god i really dont want to do dojang...
FUUUUUUCK I WANT TO SCREAM AND FIGHT AND CLAW MY WAY TO STAY. I DONT FUCKING WANT TO GO BACK!!! GODDAMMIT FUCK MY LIFE!!!!
Ok now that thats out of the way…. Gotta keep it together. Gotta be strong… Gotta do this for my family. And i will continue to grow myself.. Just keep fighting gook, you got this.
I believe in myself.
December 2011
8 posts
remembering how happy i used to be
i will bring it back. bring back old gook x)
힘들다.
나는 혼자일수밖에 없는 존제라는게 이재와서 조금식 받아드려진다….
i subconsciously look for you on the internet. when im on fb and i see your sister or yafine or when im on tumblr i look through notes of mutual friends’ posts. i just caught myself doing this when i somehow found myself on your tumblr. so. its time to unfriend all those people who i am acquainted with through you, your family, and anyone who really reminds me of you. hopefully this is...
Weird during christmas dinner, my pinky felt empty. Thought about it and then realized thats where i wore my ring. Weird and random. It doesnt bother me much though. Will not have that happen. Yep
오랜만에 꿈애 나타나 나를 놀였네. 드래도 왠지 반가울뿐인나. 어재 좋은 일 너한태 처음으로 얘기 하고 싶었는대, 괜찬아. 상관없어. 솔직히, 너랑 관련 되지안아서 그만더 나한태 좋은 일이였어. ㅋㅋ 행복이 나를 조금식 조금식 다시 온다. 김성국 파이팅!
Holy crap i just signed the lease…. Holy shit. This is surreal. I am a business owner.
lmao fuck you haha hah ha hahahahahahahahahah...
November 2011
10 posts
list of things that i appreciate
1. Health
2. Family
3. Eugene
4. Friends
fuck… im still in a funk… nothings really changed has it… god got to break these fucking cycles. gotta break off this goddamn circular reasoning and spiraling goddammit!! FUCK
Eugene on my logic in life...
have you not realized
no nicolette —> cant be happy
nicolette is a fail —> cant be happy
in colorado —> cant be happy
being in california reminds me of how shitty colorado is —> cant be happy
im surrounded by fun people —> cant be happy
Its true. but how do i change this? fuck whats wrong with me. who am i… blah.
Why am I feeling these stupid feelings?
lonely
coming to berkeley
coming here was great. i was able to see the people i love. they made me feel at home and made me feel like i always have people to come back to. but it made me feel so damn empty. such a fleeting sensation and soon i will be without it again. on top of that, seeing nicolette dancing, being sincerely happy, her growth. its crazy and made me rather sad. but its ok, i am so happy for her. she seemed...
Its official. I’ve officially forgotten what’s its liek to be happy.? Like truly innately happy. Alice has mentioned it, lily has mentioned it.. and now I feel it. Lol being in cali makes a dfference cuz my friends r here, but it doesn’t reeally mae me happy. Hahah again I find myself running to the securty of alcohol,. Oh well. I hope thos phase or whatever the fuck this is...
The world does not stop for me.
njbnjb was awesome
your movements as a dancer have become a lot better. seems youve been working hard. congrats to a successful semester as a dancer. like i said, your growth just shows through your dancing. anyway werk at showcase and all MS events.
i hate being a little bitch.
October 2011
4 posts
ugh fuck you
guess im finally getting used to things here
but i dont think ill get used to the loneliness. gotta meet people. doing an ok job, but no one is sticking. gotta try harder lets do this.
overwhelmed as all hell. just found out that once i sign the lease papers, which will be coming this monday, my 60 days of construction begins once i sign those lease papers. I dont know what i should be doing right now. i need to prepare things.. i have so many things i need to do. worry about marketing, advertising, business model, business flow, curriculum, programs. the logo, all the different...
cant sleep
for the past couple of days, whenever i try to fall asleep i get this weird sensation. i dont know what it is, but i get the feeling of when you ride a rollercoaster and it feels like your stomach is going up into your chest. and it wakes me up. i dont know why i am getting this feeling. maybe i am feeling uneasy? or maybe i am feeling hurt? i really dont know where it goes to b/c lately, things...
September 2011
10 posts
unfamiliar dishearteninng surprise
Woke up this morning after a long fitful sleep. Weird dreams about being abroad with friends and niki, being branded a terrorist, then another dream about being abroad with my brother and cousin, losing my brother… waking up numerous times for no reason and going back to sleep. Feeling anxious as all hell. One of the most eventful nights of sleep I’ve ever had. I woke up this morning...
i feel like shit
hurts.
cant fall asleep
a lot of stuff to do:
create a business model for my new tkd
find a location for my new tkd
meet people to keep me sane and to fill this huge void in my heart
find a girl that will keep me occupied and entertained
do all the bullshit stuff that is asked of me by people who do not have the authority to ask
stop having relapses when it comes to niki
just follow through with this other girl....
나 니가 그립다. 휴
너한태 이렇게 미련남기싫어. 너한태서 떨어져야하는되. 놀역을 열심히하는대… 놀역더해야지뭐…. 와 난 약한 씨브랄 세끼네… 씨발 엿같다…
this drama is flowing over to my family. looks like my family will be getting a lot of damage from this drama… i tried my best to handle it and do damage control but that didnt happen. and this other bullshit in learning how to deal with two faced people is really annoying. its a draining week. and it really really takes a toll. i wish i was back home and not having to worry about this...
just got torn a new one
miserable. i dont know why i need to be treated this way, but at the same time, i understand his points. i work hard and try hard, but it doesnt really mean shit. i really hate my parents for putting me here. i really hate them b/c in all honesty, they do not need to try and do this shit. i dont need this shit. i will be fine w/o it. in fact i didnt ask for this shit. the more unhappy i get here,...
아프다…
goddammit i sound like such a bitch
Again…. ugh. I’m weak aren’t I…. -_-
Damn she straigt up said she’s not interested in me. Haha it hurts„ but its ok. It was nice to know that I’m capable of feeling… sucks… but this is life and this is relaity. I’m not shit and well its fianlly humbling… fuck humbling but it feels so shitty,. Ell I’m alredy smashjed but I guess ima just top thisshit off… oh fucking erll
I guess I really shouldn’t try to keep in touch with my old berkeley friends. All it does is remind me of niki. Makes me wonder about her: how she’s doing, what she’s doing, her courseload, her activities, her state of mind, her love life, etc… but the thing is, it still hurts to think about that. And it definitely would kill me if I found out anything about her… I...
August 2011
10 posts
all i want is to be loved
Damn I’m so bad at this lmao. How did niki ever fall for me? How did I ever get with niki? Lmao I’m such a piece of shit. Whatever I give up now. I don’t want to push away one of the only people that I can hang out with.. ouch though. Reality really stings…
Feel like shit. I think it really is me… I don’t understand. I thought I was a catch and interesting and attractive, but I think that the facts are telling me otherwise. Ugh. Reality of things suck but I gotta face it. Jaded? I think maybe yes. I need to stop trying and just fucking stop in general. I don’t like putting myself out there. Not anymore… it hurts too much.
Idk… I guess I still have a lot to learn. Finally interested in someone, and when it started looking good, I eff it up. Lol I eff everything up. Every fucking thing that seems good and promising, I always fuck it up somehow. I guess all the heartbreak I went through with niki didn’t teach me shit. I thought I learned and grew, but I guess I’m still stuck… this seemingly...
you still catch me off guard… choke me up… bring me to tears… least when i expect it… least when i want it… its ok though… miss you.
fuck i feel like shit today. i feel completely broken down. i feel like crying. i feel empty. i feel lonely. i feel like an empty shell. i feel like i have no self esteem. i feel ugly. i feel incompetent. i feel tired. i feel worn out. i feel so many things today. and i just woke up…. looked at myself in the mirror after i showered and its usually alright, but today i saw a stranger… i...
honestly.. iwish i were deadd...
im sick of this
youre still the first thing i think of when i wake up, and youre the last thing i think about when i go to sleep. its torturous… im sick of it.
and i think i will always be bitter towards greece. i gotta go there and make my own memories and shit. override.
fucking dont need this while im here. i need my full mental capacity. focus on meeeeee.
i dont know what made me think that me moving to CO would make all my friends find some form of continual communication with me. i dont know why. they didnt do it when i was in LA. it was always me initiating. i guess its just that i am somewhere far from everything and i would think that my friends would care enough to keep me company and see what im up to and what im doing. i guess thats just a...
Scarlett - chapter 24
“Scarlett watched him as he slept.
I musn’t ever tell him again that I love him. That makes him feel pressured. And when he turns nasty, I feel small and cheap for having said it. No, I’ll never say it again, not until he’s told me first that he loves me.”