overratedthoughts

damn today was horrible. jay hyung sprang on me some really difficult stuff. i think i might be able to do it, but i am not confident in it b/c i havent been trained in it. and he expects me to be able to do it b/c i came out of berkeley and whatnot. these fucking expectations and shit.. its too fucking much. the system here is great and all, but being under this korean bullshit hierarchical superficial crap fucking stresses me out b/c its not me. i have always resented that crap. i dont like the korean hierarchy. i dont want my kids subject to it. i dont want it. and i have to uphold it to the most utmost extreme now b/c thats what this whole fucking system is based off of. its fuuucking bullshit. i dont feel like i have the right to teach these kids. and i am so fucking overwhelmed by everything here. i hate being by myself. i have a lot to learn, but at what price? the loss of my identity? the loss of my sense of self? i am not willing to sacrifice these things. and as long as im not willing to sacrifice these things, i will never be fully happy doing this shit. and then on top of that jay hyungs dad, 홰장님 is fucking 부담 like crazy. i know theyre all going to be on my fucking ass. i didnt come here to be someones bitch. i came here to learn and to be my own goddamn boss and find myself more. strengthen my sense of self and my confidence. not have it shattered by some people who make a lot of money and think they can boss everyone around. yes i am grateful to them for teaching me and taking me under their wing, but seeing how sonny is now, i dont want to end up like that and hes only been here for like six months…. god my current future looks so goddamn bleak right now its fucking depressing… wtf. i have to look older too… goddammit its so fucking superficial. this business is so superficial. i was told to grow a beard and to cut my hair b/c it looks too fobby… seriously? why is this an issue? i dont fucking get it… ugh. UGH. i hope my brother can fill these shoes asap so i can go back to the road that i wish to be on. this detour is already fucking making me age… fuck this detour. i will always and forever resent my parents for this shit.

well cheers to a bullshit couple of years. cheers to bullshit. cheers to being fucked up the ass. cheers.